I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
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At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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