All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
