just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
