my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
