Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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