Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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