Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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