Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
