My cat gives me a boner
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Randomize
