This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
