her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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