My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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