i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
