I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
