great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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