I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
