You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
