I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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