I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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