I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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