I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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