I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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