Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
