I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
