i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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