I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
