I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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