I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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