I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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