Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
