I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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