I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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