the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's blow job season.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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