i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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