he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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