why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
