So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
