Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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