If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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