Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
