Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Found your dick twin last night
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
