I can text with my tongue
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
