i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
