There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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