The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
