I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
