You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
