so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize