i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
