Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
