i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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