I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Hippo gnu deer
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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