Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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