wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
