I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I got inside last night via doggy door
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
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