Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
