then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
