your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
