So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
