his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Found your dick twin last night
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
