my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
