i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
