i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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