well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You've changed since you got that strap on
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize