i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
