do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
