This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
